On Sept. 30 at 9pm I was abducted by aliens and taken to their spaceship. To my surprise there were two other young people also aboard, held in restraints. I was seated between them and tied to a chair. I asked the girl on my left who had green hair who she was. She said "my name is irrelevant, my gender is fluid but I identify as non binary, revolutionary to the patriarchal system and I hate all Americans" I replied " so you must be French"?" She retorted " No, I'm just a college student.”
To the fellow on my right who had bright fluorescent orange hair I also inquired. "My name is Running Wind and I agree with my brothers in the world struggle, from the River to the Sea and you are standing on stolen ground" I asked him if his grandparents attended Berkeley in the 1960's? He said " Yes, how did you know"? I said, "Just a wild guess."
Just then the Aliens appeared with a universal translator in tow. They said" we have been monitoring your television broadcasts these last years in anticipation of invasion, however we have determined that your species is irredeemable and thus scheduled for extermination". It was at this moment Mr. Orange Hair exclaimed " Do you realize you're standing on stolen ground?"
The aliens turned to me and said "Do you see what we mean?"
I told them "I'm sure if you could listen to some broadcasts from Kamala Harris you might better understand us". The aliens retorted "we have many broadcasts by Ms. Harris and in trying to make sense of her gibberish we are our third translator as the first two just blew up, these things are expensive and money doesn't grow on asteroids".
Then I said "Perhaps some broadcasts from AOC might help" they turned to me and said " You mean the bartender from the Bronx?"
"Yes that’s the one" I said. Then they started laughing and rolling around on the floor in hilarity. "Isn't she the one who said ‘Unemployment is low because everyone has two jobs?" Then they high-fived each other and started doing the moonwalk. I then asked them for a private meeting and afterwards they set us free.
Running Wind was amazed and said "what did you tell them?" "It's easy," I said " I told them we're all gonna vote Republican this November".
Tom Regan
Battle Ground
Disclaimer: For those reading literally, this letter is entirely satirical.
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