Over time people change and so does the holiday experience where they get together. A few adjustments can make all the difference.
Holidays are a time to celebrate traditions. Whether it’s a favorite movie, a secret cookie recipe, or the stocking surprise that stopped being a surprise a few decades ago, families hold tightly to their favorite customs.
But over time people’s lives change, and holidays change along with them. The results can range from mildly alarming – fruit in the stuffing?! – to downright depressing, when the kids don’t make it home at all.
A multitude of transitions can lead to disrupted traditions at holiday time. Births and deaths, marriages begun or ended, or a relocation can leave a gaping hole in festivities, or add new challenges. Navigating these changes with grace and flexibility can help to preserve the most cherished memories while opening up the possibility of wonderful new traditions.
People love their traditions; they draw us together in a common bond. The end of a family custom can feel like a real loss. Instead of focusing on what you aren’t doing, use creative thinking to blend the old with the new.
When you have multiple generations together, try a few of these ideas to keep the festivities fresh.
Try a different meal together. Instead of battling it out over sweet potato or white, try a luscious risotto with fall vegetables. Or have potatoes AND risotto, if you aren’t quite ready to part ways with the old. Incorporating the new may be as simple as making the feast a potluck, so new family members can keep their own treasured memories alive.
Games can bridge the generations, and generate plenty of laughs and fun memories. Board games, card games or charades are fun for all.
Bring old photos and share your stories. Set a timer for three minutes and then pass the stack of photos to the next person so everyone can share.
When loved ones are far away, aim for ways to connect despite the miles between you. Think about the traditions you treasure when you are together, and look for a new twist to keep them going.
Technology can get in the way of bonding when everyone is more interested in their smartphone than conversation. But technology is also a powerful tool to bring you closer. Use an app like Skype, FaceTime, or Google hangouts to create a virtual family reunion with members near and far.
Or have a cookie swap by mail. Wrap up some gingersnaps from Grandma’s secret recipe, tuck them into a pretty box, and mail them off. You’ll receive your own goodies in return long after the mess and fuss of baking is done.
When a family member has moved from their home to assisted living or a skilled nursing facility, they still long to be a part of the family celebration, said Andrea Pineda, Community Relations Director at Mallard Landing in Battle Ground.
Many senior care facilities host dinners open to family or friends during the holidays. If your loved one is able, arrange transportation to join in the family gathering. If they are not, join them where they are. Or use technology to include them in the merriment.
For a loved one who’s memory is waning, keep the get-together stress free by following as much of their usual routine as possible, said Pineda. Sit at their usual table, and adhere to their usual daily routine. And keep the group small and familiar, so it’s less confusing.
If there are young children in the family, visit at a time of day when the senior member is usually feeling their best.
For the members of a senior living community, said Pineda, what’s most important is being together with their loved ones, no matter what form that takes.
Holidays are especially difficult after the loss of a family member. Those experiencing loss may wonder who will carve the turkey this year, how they will find the energy to shop, or whether it’s even worth the trouble. Successfully coping with loss requires acknowledging that things will never be as they were in the past. Accepting this frees you to experience the range of emotions, and helps you to prepare by making plans or seeking out support.
For those experiencing loss, some planning can help you cope with grief and change during the holidays. Set realistic expectations for yourself and focus on activities that are a priority. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions that are sure to wash over you, even when they are difficult. Take care of yourself – get enough sleep, eat well, and connect with others.
Even if it’s tempting, avoid “canceling” the holiday. Cut back on the decorating or parties if it’s too difficult. Donate your talents - sometimes helping others can be as much comfort for the giver. And let new customs have a place in your holiday.
Remember, traditions form over time, and it takes time to create new ones. If something doesn’t work, don’t feel bad about dropping it altogether. And if something is a big hit, it might be the tradition that the next generation holds dear.
